Hating My Will

This will be a hard one to write.  I just had to listen to my own will, and use my mouth to wound another person, a teenage girl, for pity's sake, someone who just hit me wrong with an attitude that maybe she didn't even realize she was projecting.   I just HAD to dump on her, I just HAD to show HER who was superior, I just HAD to  triumph.  Well, and shouldn't I feel all superior, since I was able to do all that?  I put her in her place.  I let her know that I wasn't going to take any nonsense from her, the bug on the wall that I think she is.   

Sheesh... 

What a creep...

Jesus said, "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. "  Matt 6:14-15

There's no wishy-washy there, there's no "well, you were justified in your feelings,"  or "okay, you were having a bad day."  Or, how about my favorite excuse?

 --"because it made me feel better/bigger/older/wiser/."..ad naseum.

Jesus said IF you forgive , you are forgiven.   

If I don't forgive, he won't forgive me.   Period. 

Now I gotta go into dance class, with my big girl pants on, and humble myself to a 16 year-old girl.  My own stupid fault.  My own stupid will.  Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

But if I don't forgive, if I don't humble myself to her, what has she learned from an older Christian woman? Anger is justified.   Rudeness can be justified.  You can say what you want, no matter the outcome, and then ignore the results.   Forgiveness is not necessary.  Asking forgiveness is not necessary.  Follow your feelings.

Not something I want someone else teaching my kids, so I guess I had better not teach them to her mother's child. 


Jesus said to the crowd,"But those things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and they defile a man.  For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies,  These are the things that defile a man, but to eat with unwashed hands does not defile a man."  Matt. 15: 18-20

My first lesson of Lent.   I know it doesn't start until next Sunday night, but this year, it came for me early.

Dianne,  a sinner

Note from author, after losing sleep over this. 
I guess this is not so much about me forgiving her, as it is me getting past the thing she did that I reacted to.
I have to forgive her first, "get over it,"  to see my own smutty sin in my reaction, to not hold a grudge, to not feel  superior in my "besting" of  her. 
Sort of like "Why should I apologize, she deserved it!"   Not a great attitude to carry around with me.