Nailed by My Sins at Vespers, Again

Feb. 22--Today we commemorate the Nine Righteous Children of Kola who were martyred in the 6th century, in southern Georgia,  they chose Christ over their pagan families.  They were stoned to death by their parents. http://ocafs.oca.org/FeastSaintsViewer.asp?FSID=103817

My family tries to attend Vespers services every Saturday night,  it is the prayer service that precedes Liturgy on Sunday mornings.  We read Psalms and say prayers for ourselves, our neighbors, and the world.  I am even arrogant enough to think I'm doing "good" by being there, instead of out, doing something worldly, or at home, watching something on t.v.  There's nothing on but old music shows on PBS, or sports on everything else,  so I guess I'm not missing much.

Every week it's the same old thing,  read the Psalms, say the prayers,  kiss the icons, stand outside and gab afterwards.  We Orthodox love our written prayers,  they take away some of our own authority over them, and we don't actually have to think. 

So what does God do about this?  He wrote those Psalms a long time ago.  Even then, he knew that I would need to hear that repetition, week in and week out.   A little check list, of sorts.  "Okay, Dianne, you  heard Psalm 141 again last week, and the week before that, and what have you done about it?"

The words that nail me to my own cross are

Set a watch, O Lord, before my mouth,
A door of enclosure and protection around my lips,
Incline not my heart to evil words,
TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR SINS.

Ouch!  I can't get around this one. When I say it, it seems to light up with neon, blinking lights in my mind.  I have a mouth, and I use it for sin.  I use it for excuses for those sins.  I can talk myself out of believing that I have actually committed sin.  I can divert others' attention away from my sin.  I use my tongue to point out the sins of others.  I complain with those lips.  I practice gluttony of heart, soul, and stomach with those lips.   And then I dress up on Sundays, come in , sing sweetly, smile at the little kids,  and then put those lips on the spoon that feeds me from the chalice.  I'm surprised that the Body and Blood of Christ aren't expelled from my body.

So why put myself through all that?  Why not be my own Self,  live the way I want to?  Use my lips for whatever I want, 'cause I'm not doing any better? 

 Because Christ came to lift me out of my sin.  He is the most authentic lover of my soul.  He knows I struggle daily.  He knows sometimes I don't try as hard as I should, or not at all.  He still loves me. 

I could never imagine parenting my own children as perfectly as He parents me.  No matter what passes my lips,  he forgives me.  He lets me get up and try again tomorrow.  Even writing this shames me because I don't have the reverence for Him that I should have. 

During Lent, when we do the prayers of St. Ephrem, the Syrian,  and I kneel on the floor, lower my body in obeisance, and then don't get up, do not be alarmed. I'm where I should be.  At the feet of Christ, unworthy.

O Lord and Master of my life! Take from me the spirit of sloth, faint-heartedness, lust of power, and idle talk.  But give rather the spirit of  chastity, humility, patience, and love to Thy servant. Yea, O Lord and King! Grant me to see my own errors and not to judge my brother; For Thou art blessed unto ages of ages. Amen

http://www.sv-luka.org/misionar/lentenpr_n2.htm

a link to St. Ephem's prayer, and commentary by  Fr. Alexander Schmemann

please pray for the healing of Liam's fingers,  our priest's son, hairline fractures from bending his fingers all the way back.

Lord, have mercy.


Dianne, a sinner